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Doctorine of the Wet Towels
It has been asked of us time and time again, "What do the Wet Towels stand for?", "What is your position on stem cell research, or homosexuality?"
Our answers to these, and other, questions is largely uniform. "What in the hell does that have to do with Wet Towels?!"
The doctorine of The Wet Towels is not so much a force to guide our Lives, and our morality, as much as a simple way of directing your love. Specifically, towards Wet Towels. There is a fine logic behind this, as there is behind all strong belief, such as creationism and the conviction that George Lucas can still make good movies. It is thus, there is not enough love in the world, and much of the love which there is in the world is tainted with other emotions, such as lust, or fear. However when you direct your love at a Wet Towel there is what is best described as a filtering process, whereby the unpleasant aspects of your love are removed, leaving the pure, cleaned, and slightly damp love free to flow out into the universe. As any visionary movement does, the ideology of the Wet Towels has come up against sceptism, criticism and mockery. While science have claimed that there is not a shred of evidence to prove our theory, we point out that there is not a shred of evidence DISPROVING our theory, which we see as being a major victory on our part. Various religious groups, notably Catholics, Vegitarians, and Muslims have come out and criticised our methods of recruiting based on kidnapping people from the sides of the street and threatening their children. Even the philosophers, normally so secure in their doubt, have come out and said in no uncertain terms that our philosophy is ludicrous. How indeed can one distil love from the universe using a wet towel? Surely this would mean That All the hate and loathing in the world would be equally free to float into the universe? To this we answer " hast thou never seen a dirty towel?" Indeed why would we ever wash our towels, if not to remove the hate that can gather and on them in the form of dirt? And what happens to the hate that is washed off our towels I hear you ask? Clearly that is something which you should be asking a plumber, not a Wet Towels guru! They a deal with those crazy pipes under our floorboards, and we deal with Wet Towels. It is the natural balance, and we have no desire to upset that.
If we at Wet Towels are to be placed in any sort of category, it would have to be sexy. However, if you were to continue to insist on categorising and sub categorising, we would certainly fit into the category of Liberal, or perhaps to simply call us "Tolerant" would be more accurate. We all come from a wide range of backgrounds, and while we all share a love for Wet Towels, there are many ways in which we differ. Nuckpang, for example, grew up in the shanty towns of Beijing, while Jiggs has a sometimes worrying fetish with bestiality. We are well aware that we are all human, and that we all have our own individual quirks, be it a fondness for marmite, or a guilty conscience from that hit-and-run which is still stops you sleeping without a heavy dose of painkillers, even four years later. Even though you know that the police investigation has long since wrapped up, and you have nothing to worry about, because you cleaned all the blood of the car. You know you did, you got every drop and you disposed of all the evidence! Hell, you even bought yourself a new car… So why is there STILL a spot on the bonnet which just won't go no matter how much you scrub, and clean, and sand blast and WHY WON'T YOU EVER LET ME SLEEP?!?!?!?!?!?!
As I was saying, we Wet Towels are a tolerant and open bunch, and want you to know that no matter where you come from, or what kind of person you are, you will be treated no differently to any other member of the Wet Towels. Everyone, regardless of creed, race, sexuality, hair colour, SciFi preference, or a grotesque physical abnormalities is welcome to join us; and all will be expected to give massages, specifically to Grimson's feet and Nuckpang's ego.
-Nuckpang
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