| FRIDAY, JANUARY 16, 2009
 Wet Towels Editorial: Death of Jett Travolta (contains no humour, sorry)
Disclaimer: This is meant to be neither scientific nor necessarily informed. I've tried to research the matters which come up to the best of my abilities given time restraints, but I am not trained in any of the medical issues which this raises, and so this should not be considered to be anything other than the opinion piece which it is.
It is my sad duty to report the death of John Travolta's son, Jett Travolta. Jett died on the 2nd of January he suffered an alleged seizure and struck his head while holidaying with his family in the Bahamas. Jett was sixteen years old, ...>> full
posted by NUCKPANG January 16, 2009 16:08
 Media comments (1)
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2008
Wet Towels News Bulletin: Woman Brings Dead Son to Court
Bizarre events at a Cumbrian court in England, as a mother carried the remains of her dead son into the courtroom.
Julie Strange, 43, claimed that for some time she had been bombarded with letters from the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency, informing her deceased son that he had not told them about a car sale and that despite her returning their letters explaining that he had passed away they eventually summoned him to court. Not wishing to disappoint, Mrs. Strange carried a wooden casket containing her son's ashes into the courtroom.
This move has sparked a legal furor, not only raising the issue of respect for ...>> full
posted by NUCKPANG November 11, 2008 12:48
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SUNDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2008
Wet Towels Showbiz Update: Big Break for a Wet Towel
The showbiz world was recently rocked by revelations regarding the Wet Towels. One of the lesser known members, 100% Cotton, Landed a role in top T.V. Drama C.S.I., which officially endoresed the Wet Towel movement, at one point going so far as to say the phrase “Wet Towel” in a scene with Mr. Cotton, clearly identifying him and bringing our organisation, so long repressed by the Jewish Hollywood media elite, into the limelight.
We have for many years campaigned against the aparthid which exists in Hollywood, whereby the parts which should by all rights be played by Wet Towels, such some mildly homoerotic hijinks with frat ... >> full
posted by NUCKPANG October 19, 2008 14:53
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THURSDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2008
Wet Towels News Bulletin: America Forced to Change Currency
The American government last night announced that they would be paying off the debts of any future bank to declare bankruptcy using goods and services, as it has run out of money.
A red-faced spokesman for the Treasury admitted that the Bank of America, which on Tuesday released a statement claiming that they were on the verge of collapse, could not be bailed out using money, and offered thirty five million tons of frozen shrimp in lieu of US dollars. “I appreciate that this is somewhat unorthodox,” he told a packed press conference, “but we were unable to stockpile enough steak to meet a financial commitment ...>> full
posted by NUCKPANG October 16, 2008 13:24
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MONDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2008
Possibly the Best News Ever?
At The Wet Towels we see it as our duty to bring you the biggest news, as it happens.To this end we have a gnome stashed in the Reuters Newsroom who intercepts and forwards to us every story which he thinks may be of interest to our many dedicated readers.Very recently we were forwarded the following story:
“Jack Thompson, a well known Florida attorney, has been disbarred from practicing law again by the Florida Bar.
Having brought several cases against the Bar since 1992, and many others against various media products ranging from Comedy Central’s South Park to the Grand Theft Auto cases for which he became ...>> full
posted by NUCKPANG October 13, 2008 18:59
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FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2008
The Wet Towels News Bulletin: Small, Weak nation Bullied by Washed-Up Superpower
The international community has called for calm following the accusations of an "unprovoked invasion" of a fledgling democratic nation by its neighbour, an aging superpower of the region which once held sway over some common territory. The United States of America (located to the south of Canada) yesterday claimed that they had been the victims of a completely unprovoked invasion by its neighbour, Mexico. The United States, one of the world's newer democracies and best known as the setting for much of the movie Highlander, is already bitterly divided by an upcoming election and this may be militant oppertunism on the part of the invading Mexicans. ... >> full
posted by NUCKPANG September 19, 2008 16:13
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THURSDAY, AUGUST 21, 2008
Wet Towels News Update: Bigfoot
In the first ever case of this trusted news network ever giving a piece of incorrect information, it has now emerged that the Bigfoot body, reported by Nuckpang in a recent press conference as being "definitely 100% genuine and real, no doubt about it whatsoever", was in fact a hoax. The hoax was discovered when the ice-bound "body" was handed over to the "Searching for Bigfoot" group, a company dedicated to finding Bigfoot, for an undisclosed amount of money. As the body thawed and hair samples became exposed they were tested by those present, but suspicions were aroused when the hair was applied to flame and ... >> full
posted by NUCKPANG August 21, 2008 10:04
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